What was I thinking?!

Have you ever been with someone and then afterwards wondered what on earth you saw in that person?  There was this guy – the first guy I was with after the Husband convinced me to start cuckolding him.  He’s the only one who knew that I was already married.  It didn’t start out that way, but I felt guilty and told him the truth.  He wanted to continue seeing me.  I think he actually cared for me … and I cared for him (otherwise I wouldn’t have felt guilty and told him the truth).

However, as time went on, he started turning into a little drama queen.  He started telling me fantastic stories about his life.  We broke up and then got back together several times (the Husband wanted us to get back together again).  I was losing interest, and when he told me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, I ended things for good.

It’s been about 6 months now since I’ve been out on a date.  The last fuck adventure I had (with someone other than the Husband) was with the PhD student.  I ended on a positive note, but I haven’t missed the texting or the dating or the extramarital sex.

For the past few months, the Husband has been bugging me about fucking other people again.  I told him that I wasn’t interested – that I’d already done it and while there were some good points, I didn’t care to do it anymore.  The Husband thinks that the bad parts were due to my having to lie so he wants me to get back together with this first guy, the guy who knows that I’m married and was okay with it.  I still wasn’t interested until the Husband told me that I could basically have whatever I wanted if I would cuckold him again.

The problem is that now when I think about the first guy, I keep thinking of his faults.  I don’t find him physically attractive anymore and I find him to be stupid.  He doesn’t read, his spelling in texts is atrocious, he smokes (disgusting to me), and he has awful taste in movies (who in their right mind likes Oblivion?!).  The Husband thinks that I’m being too harsh on him, but I don’t think so.  I think that, because he was the first guy, I didn’t really have any standards.

So … the big question is do I fuck this guy? Getting whatever I want from the Husband would be a good deal, except I don’t know how long I would have to fuck this guy.  I could do it once, but I don’t know if I do it multiple times, given that I’m somewhat repulsed by him now.


So I let this post sit in draft mode for a few little while. Today, the Husband and I had a talk and came up with a written agreement. I have to fuck this Loser for 5 months (freedom = Feb 28th) and he will never bring up the cuckolding thing again for the rest of our lives.

I’m not very good at hiding my feelings, but I’m going to have to be a damn good actress for the next five months. I’m going to have to pretend to like the Loser because not only do I have to fuck him, I have to date him. This is worse for me than just an occasional fuck over a 5-month period. After this, though, after five months of revulsion (the Husband will tell you I’m being dramatic, but whatever, he isn’t the one who has to fuck and spend time with someone he finds disgusting), I will be free …

I may be turning to this blog to vent about the Loser since I have to be so nice to him.


I am easily amused

For Christmas last year, someone bought our office a nice, new microwave.  (Our old one died so people were having to wait in line to use the communal microwave for the department.)  Everyone received an e-mail saying that the manual for the microwave was at the receptionist’s desk.  I know what you’re thinking – it’s a microwave, though, how hard could it be to operate?  Ah, you are underestimating the stupidity of the fat cows.

One cow in particular, whom I keep referring to as “new girl,” because I don’t like her and refuse to give her a name, uses the new microwave every day to heat up her frozen meal.  One day, new fat cow comes to me and asks me if I know how to set the microwave for more than 1 minute at a time because there are no numbers on the keypad.  She kept hitting the “Quick Min” button until she got the correct time for her food.  I hardly ever use the microwave and hadn’t used this one yet … plus I had no inclination to assist someone I didn’t like so I smiled and told her that I hadn’t used it yet (truth!) but that she could look at the manual that was at the receptionist’s desk.  Now, I don’t claim to be a genius, but if there are no numbers on the pad but there is a knob, wouldn’t you try turning the knob?  Just a hunch.

Several weeks passed and I finally used the microwave.  I turned the knob and that was indeed how you set the microwave for more than 1 minute at a time.  Instead of sharing this information, I thought I’d wait to see how long it would take her to figure this out.

Last month, I asked her if she had figured out how to do it yet.  The answer was no.  She was still pushing the “Quick Min” button over and over again, with occasional complains about the “stupid microwave.”  The irony of this amuses me.  About 8 months of pushing that button over and over again just to warm up her lunch.  It was starting to remind me of those rats from my undergrad psych courses – running around to hit the lever that would give them their reward.  

I am being petty, but she’s obnoxious.  She talks so loudly that I can hear her from my office (even when I close the door – and she is on the other side of our office area), If I have to hear anymore about her wedding plans, I think I’m going to puke up “champagne-colored” wedding dress vomit.  She is a nosey, needy, gossiping, emotional, tactless, unprofessional cow, and I just can’t stand her.  It’s getting to the point where every little thing she does is annoying me.  The other day, she pronounced “dossier” with the ‘r’ at the end and I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying, “Jay no parlay fran says, mon soor.”  She talked to someone who sits right outside my office and was chewing while talking.  I wanted to start mooing.  (If people only knew all the bad thoughts that popped into my head that I don’t act upon, they would know how hard I am trying to be good.)  Every time she comes into my office to ask me a  stupid question about something, she stares at my computer screens so I’ve started minimizing everything to frustrate her.  She probably wouldn’t understand what all my spreadsheets were about anyway, but it seems to annoy her so I keep doing it.

In case there is any doubt in your mind, there really is such a thing as a stupid question.  In fact, there are many, many of them and many of them start out this way, “Did you ever have a problem with …?”  My automatic answer is, “No” and then I go back to whatever it was I was doing.  I’m pretty sure she’s caught on that I don’t like her.  Pretending to like someone when I dislike them is something I’ve never been able to do.  This is why I will never be in sales or public relations.

I had an attack of conscience (the memory of those rats got to me) so I finally told her how to set the microwave for more than 1 minute at a time.  Every time she annoys me, though, I regret telling her.  Cow.


Our department at work has potlucks about 4 times a year.  It’s a cheap way of getting together and taking a break.  We get e-invitations and respond with what we’re going to bring so that we don’t end up with 10 salads or 15 bags of chips.  It’s all done well in advance and the people who plan these things do a great job of organizing everything.


Personally, I like to sign up for salad, dessert, or something similar that I can pick up at the store.  There’s only been one incidence where I signed up, but forgot to bring my dish so I just didn’t participate.  There was plenty of food and others told me to go get some, but I didn’t feel right doing that.  On the other hand, I do the same thing in that I encourage people to get food if they forget a dish.  However, I do not encourage anyone who consistently doesn’t bring a dish to share.  It’s one thing to forget a dish and join in once or even twice, but if you are always doing it, guess what?  You’re just a leech.  Even worse are the leeches who come uninvited.  Eventually, no one asks them to come and partake in the food, but they decide to show up anyway and steal leftovers. 


We had a potluck today at work and one of the cows in the office didn’t bring food AGAIN and went over uninvited to eat.  She didn’t even have the decency to help clean up.  WTF is wrong with people like this?  Have you no manners?  Have you no shame? 


Wouldn’t you know, the leech behavior carries over into other areas of their lives, including work.  This potluck leech also doesn’t pull her weight at work and has to rely on others to do her work.  I’ve been holding my tongue, but I’m not very good at hiding my feelings.  A certain cow-leech is going to get an earful one of these days …

please stop talking

About a month or so ago, I went out on a movie date with someone I had never met before.  Movies are horrible for getting to know one another, but I wanted to see Divergent and the Husband was pretty adamant about not seeing a “kiddie” movie and this other guy was asking me out so …

We had talked on-line on and off for a couple weeks.  I wasn’t too excited about meeting him – it was just that the opportunity to see the movie with someone presented itself.  I am fine doing things on my own, but movies are just one of those things that I don’t do alone.  We met at the theatre and he actually looked like his picture (surprise!).  Everything was okay until he opened his mouth to start talking.  First, his voice was a bit high pitched.  Then, he had really bad halitosis.  It was so bad that my eyes were watering!  While he was talking, all I could think about was trying not to breathe.

Things got worse when the movie started.  Some people like to talk during movies.  I am not one of those people.  I like to watch my movies in silence.  If you don’t know what’s going on, wait until after the movie for an explanation.  Mr. Bad Breath said to me, “I should warn you that I like to talk during movies.”  No no no no.  So not okay.  “I like to hear what’s going on.  I’ll poke you to remind you to be quiet.”  “I’m afraid of needles.”  “It’s a good thing I don’t carry needles with me.”

He did talk a little during the movie (I think he was trying not to) and I didn’t poke him with finger or even elbow him, but I did scoot as far away from him as possible in my chair.

The movie was decent – the book was better, of course, but it was worth seeing. 

The date ended with a hand shake and an “it was nice meeting you” and an implied please don’t contact me again and please invest in some gum.

stomach vs. mind

It’s about this time of year that I start thinking about my dad.  There were so many misunderstandings when he was alive (not entirely my fault, but my fault in that I never took the time to listen or find out the truth).  I would like to take things back, say things that I never said (even though I had ample opportunity).  He always understood me more than my mom.  It was I who never understood him … until it was too late. Don’t get my wrong, he was far from being a saint, but he was better than I gave him credit for.

My mom was always the one who fed my stomach; my dad fed my mind.  The older I get, the more I understand, and the more I miss him. 

When I close my eyes, sometimes I have a hard time picturing him, but the feeling of him remains.  It’s been so long and yet, at times, …

Most of the time, I can successfully force these melancholy thoughts away.  I don’t want to dwell on what I can’t change, but they come unbidden like a thunderstorm, with a gentle rolling gurgle followed by loud rumbles. 

Beware my boredom

So …

Eyes has been contacting me off and on.  I sometimes respond to him, but this past week, I have been asking him why we still haven’t met yet.  He’s been texting me  and calling me for over a month now …

Anyway, I never bothered to look him up before, but I was bored today and decided to look him up.  Turns out he has a gf (at least that’s what I’m assuming from the FB page). 


I also found out his gf’s name and where she works so I have her phone number and e-mail address, thanks to their staff directory.


She hasn’t done anything to me so I blocked her face out. 

Now … do I have some fun and scare him by letting him know that I have this information?

Oh for fuck’s sake

I’m tired and the coffee isn’t working today.

Except for 1 date with the Husband, I haven’t been out for over a month.  It may be for the best because I’ve been grumpy lately – not because of the dating situation, but because I have some deadlines coming up at work and people seem to think it’s okay to just show up and start talking to me.  Even worse, they say hi and start launching into some long spiel  … never mind that I’m in the middle of something so I need to stop what I’m doing to figure out what they’re talking about only to discover that what they’re talking about is trivial.  I don’t care what tasks you give to the student worker.  I don’t care that such-and-such celebrity died.  I don’t care about what happened on the last episode of XXX (insert crap television show here).  It’s painful having to respond to these people.  I need to work into my next employment contract that social interactions will be kept to a minimum.  🙂

Strange, random thing that I learned today:  In Europe, “Professor” is a highly valued title, more so than “Doctor,” whereas in the US, “Doctor” seems to hold more clout than “Professor.”  This is another example of one of those trivial things that, though mildly interesting, should not have involved multiple e-mails.

On the dating front, I still haven’t really felt like talking to the douchebags online … just a couple here and there … pissed off a few of them by ignoring them or by putting them off when they asked me to go out.  One guy told me that he was a libertarian and liked Ron Paul.  I told him that I didn’t and he deleted his account the next day.  I’m not sure if it was a coincident or not, but I found this to be funny, which further attests to my lack of amusement lately.  I don’t care if you’re one of the few cute guys on PoF – I refuse to date libertarians (is it just me or are the majority of the guys on PoF unattractive?).  There is one guy who I might have coffee or tea with next week.  He’s been patiently e-mailing me for a while now.  The e-mails are boring and would put you to sleep, but I seem to have a weakness for patience and persistence (maybe because I don’t have much patience?).  I don’t even remember what he looks like because I can’t remember his username.  I’ve been putting him off for a while and I feel a bit sorry for him.


Everyone needs an extra sock

My boss just came in and asked me if I had an extra sock.

I gave him a WTF look and said, “Why would you need an extra sock?”

“Because there is someone here with a mouth that I would like to stuff with a sock.”

I burst out laughing, mostly because I can relate.  The cows are so freaking loud that even with my door closed, I can hear them.

Love my boss.